Step away from the technology
Steven Hill/Technically Speaking (Squamish Chief) Sept. 13, 2012
http://www.squamishchief.com/article/20120913/SQUAMISH0304/309139963/step-away-from-the-technology
I can’t believe I’m actually advocating for this in a column about technology, but I think it would be a good idea for some people to take a break from their various gadgets and gizmos.
Yeah… me, the guy who can’t wait for scientists to figure out a way to plug the Internet directly into my brain… I want people to use less technology.
This new and totally foreign thought began to form while on a recent vacation with my wife where (upon threat of a severe beating followed by a stern talking to while I lay bleeding on the floor) I was forced to spend five days completely “unplugged.”
No, that didn’t mean I spent the week playing acoustic guitar, but rather I went without a laptop, and my iPhone was turned off the whole time. I wasn’t even allowed to use the complimentary Internet in the lobby!
Once the shakes and sweats from the lack of shooting zombies and aliens abated, I actually forgot about the online world, and any digital existence I had.
I also started noticing that people were on their phones or electronic devices way too much.
I saw people sitting on the beach suntanning while texting all day long… leaving the interesting tan lines of outstretched hands and a mobile phone on their chests in the process, undoubtedly. I also saw people out on the ocean on surfboards with their phones.
“Sorry, have to put you on hold while I catch this epic wave, dude.”
Upon my return home, I couldn’t get over the number of drivers I encountered who were yakking on their phones — despite it being not only dangerous, but against the law. I was driving in downtown Vancouver last week and it took the person in front of me about five minutes to negotiate a right turn at a light because he was having a chat and didn’t want to use both hands to, y’know… DRIVE!
The final straw came when my nine-year-old daughter asked to go outside on a beautiful, bright, sunny day and play with her two friends. When I went out to bring the young ladies a snack, I discovered all three, sitting on a blanket in the shade texting on their iPods. The absurd thing was they were texting each other!
In my daughter’s case, I take full responsibility for engendering an unhealthy love of video games and geeky gadgets. So, I’ve started limiting her time on her iPod, and begun actively telling her to put down the gadgets when she’s spent too much time with her nose pressed against a screen.
I’ve also carried over my desire to be less connected from my vacation — even without further threats from my wife — and am trying to follow my own advice and put the gizmos down more often and spend less time online.
Technology, in all its forms, is great. Really great, in fact. Really, really, totally awesome and just…um, great. And awesome.
But technology is supposed to enhance our lives, not take away from living it.
So, I’m just asking that you be more mindful of the time you and your kids spend online and on your iPhones, iPods and various smart devices.
While you mull that over, I’ll go kill a few zombies and aliens… but only a few.
Steven Hill/Technically Speaking (Squamish Chief) Sept. 13, 2012
http://www.squamishchief.com/article/20120913/SQUAMISH0304/309139963/step-away-from-the-technology
I can’t believe I’m actually advocating for this in a column about technology, but I think it would be a good idea for some people to take a break from their various gadgets and gizmos.
Yeah… me, the guy who can’t wait for scientists to figure out a way to plug the Internet directly into my brain… I want people to use less technology.
This new and totally foreign thought began to form while on a recent vacation with my wife where (upon threat of a severe beating followed by a stern talking to while I lay bleeding on the floor) I was forced to spend five days completely “unplugged.”
No, that didn’t mean I spent the week playing acoustic guitar, but rather I went without a laptop, and my iPhone was turned off the whole time. I wasn’t even allowed to use the complimentary Internet in the lobby!
Once the shakes and sweats from the lack of shooting zombies and aliens abated, I actually forgot about the online world, and any digital existence I had.
I also started noticing that people were on their phones or electronic devices way too much.
I saw people sitting on the beach suntanning while texting all day long… leaving the interesting tan lines of outstretched hands and a mobile phone on their chests in the process, undoubtedly. I also saw people out on the ocean on surfboards with their phones.
“Sorry, have to put you on hold while I catch this epic wave, dude.”
Upon my return home, I couldn’t get over the number of drivers I encountered who were yakking on their phones — despite it being not only dangerous, but against the law. I was driving in downtown Vancouver last week and it took the person in front of me about five minutes to negotiate a right turn at a light because he was having a chat and didn’t want to use both hands to, y’know… DRIVE!
The final straw came when my nine-year-old daughter asked to go outside on a beautiful, bright, sunny day and play with her two friends. When I went out to bring the young ladies a snack, I discovered all three, sitting on a blanket in the shade texting on their iPods. The absurd thing was they were texting each other!
In my daughter’s case, I take full responsibility for engendering an unhealthy love of video games and geeky gadgets. So, I’ve started limiting her time on her iPod, and begun actively telling her to put down the gadgets when she’s spent too much time with her nose pressed against a screen.
I’ve also carried over my desire to be less connected from my vacation — even without further threats from my wife — and am trying to follow my own advice and put the gizmos down more often and spend less time online.
Technology, in all its forms, is great. Really great, in fact. Really, really, totally awesome and just…um, great. And awesome.
But technology is supposed to enhance our lives, not take away from living it.
So, I’m just asking that you be more mindful of the time you and your kids spend online and on your iPhones, iPods and various smart devices.
While you mull that over, I’ll go kill a few zombies and aliens… but only a few.
Keep your children close - why time-outs don't work
by Kirsten Andrews, Bamboo Magazine - Conscious Family Living (April 2012)
http://www.bamboofamilymag.com/spring-2012/keeping-your-children-close-why-timeouts-dont-work.html
My kids love their naughty chair. It was a big score at a garage sale some years ago when I was desperate to find a tool that would work miracles – much like it does with that oh-so-together (read: childless) British nanny on television.
As a mom to a toddler in the throes of the terrible twos and a newborn, I was willing to do whatever it took to turn that less-than-desirable behavior into something more manageable. Something more survivable. Something that didn’t leave me feeling like I was completely incapable of taking care of more than one child at a time. Because, let’s face it, it was kind of too late to return either one.
So I found the perfect naughty chair. It’s a peppy lime green. I figured the peeling paint (so long as it wasn’t lead-based) added a touch of charm to something that would ultimately be used for some quite un-charming moments.
How lucky could a mom get?
Well, it turns out incredibly lucky because in the next year I was able to take in a number of parenting talks by faculty at Cedar Valley Waldorf School in Squamish, BC where my children now attend preschool and kindergarten, and by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, an internationally renowned developmental psychologist and author (Hold On To Your Kids, with Gabor Mate) whose book has been translated into eight languages. It was then that I learnt exactly why it was this amazingly awesome naughty chair was falling short.
Truth be told, time-outs weren’t changing my life for the better; it felt like they were making it worse. My daughter would panic and become hysterical at the thought of being sent to her special spot.
To hear Neufeld explain, in his professorial way, time-outs were offered to parents by the pediatricians as an alternate form of punishment when they were told spanking was no longer acceptable. Virtually no research had been done around the impact such separation would cause. It was simply a way to distance parent and child when things got heated.
Neufeld firmly states that time-outs will not elicit desired change in behavior and that they can be damaging to the child’s psyche, sending kids “into alarm” when they are banished from our presence.
photo: sabrina helasNina Fields, a certified counselor and Neufeld parent educator based in Squamish, BC, suggests that children under five-years-old aren’t able to have “mixed feelings” as the prefrontal cortex of the brain hasn’t fully developed and ultimately they are acting from a more primal nature. They feel hurt and frustrated when a baby sibling has innocently taken their beloved toy, and act instinctively. But they aren’t deliberately trying to injure.
“That three-year-old is actually shocked and devastated when you don’t support their feelings, even if they hauled off and hit the baby over the head,” explains Fields. “What they are looking for is your compassion and understanding. They are in their own little world. Unfortunately most of us parents in North America tend to become equally frustrated and want separation, they may even be rageful at the notion that their older child has assaulted the little one in the manner that they did.”
Instead of causing a separation, which ultimately can lead to more anguish, Fields recommends bringing both children close. Tend to the injured party, mop the tears, AND keep proximity with each child.
“Above all else you really want to preserve the relationship. It is far more important to do that than to punish or give consequences in the moment, which we are often inclined to do,” she said. “We need to remain calm in the eye of the storm, not be triggered, and delay our desire for instant gratification, or in this case, correction.
“Some would argue that time-outs do work, or 1-2-3 magic, but at what cost?” she asks.
As a counselor, Fields has worked extensively with teens that come from homes with “really rough parenting.” She described the youth she engages with as defended and guarded. They come with a trunk full of repressed feelings and emotions, and can often be ticking time bombs.
“It’s crucial that we let children have their feelings – even if it’s anger, aggression and screaming. They must be supported and encouraged to do so. Sending children into a time-out may look like it works on the surface, in the instant we think that they are learning something about their behavior, but really they are feeling separation and rejection,” she explained. “If young children are repeatedly sent to a naughty chair, for example, they just shut down and store those feelings and they will take them out on people later in life.”
For kids who are frustrated – for whatever reason – parents can try to offer less damaging options. Depending on the age you might encourage them to hit or shout into a pillow or offer a stomping pad. For children six or seven years of age you can encourage them to tell you when they are feeling those sensations rise up in their body. Give them the language ‘Mom, I’m starting to feel like I might want to kick Marie. Can you help me?’
When raising young children we need to keep in mind that we can either escalate or de-escalate any given situation.
“As parents we have to come from a soft heart,” emphasizes Fields. “In the moments when we’re supposed to do that we tend to shame and banish. You want to be a gardener, not a sculptor in terms of parenting. You want to nourish those roots, so that when the tree grows it can bare fruit. And yes, it will take a lot of time.”
Fields also recommends addressing the offense later when the child isn’t in a defensive state. It may be 10 minutes, 10 hours or 10 days. Bedtime is often a good time to do this, and in the Neufeld circle they call it “touching the bruise.” ‘Remember when you hit your sister earlier today? You were really frustrated, weren’t you?’ Give them time to work through it, and don’t do it if it just raises the anger all over again. Wait for the right moment.
Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting with Lisa M. Ross, has a beautiful meditation called the compassionate response, and it’s something I often recommend when parents are faced – as we are – with uncomfortable feelings that come when witnessing things go in ways you never could have imagined. It was originally developed for use in domestic violence situations, and works to shift reactive habits of communication and offer a new way of seeing – in this case – your child in a different light. Parents can purchase an audio copy of through www.SimplicityParenting.com/store.
The compassionate response meditation works best as a practice, something to listen to or work with repeatedly until it becomes second nature. It involves bringing the “naughty” child close to you when you feel most like pushing them away.
The idea was illustrated beautifully for me when I was training to be a Simplicity Parenting group leader. Our instructor Davina Muse had us stand and hold a stool at arms length. You can imagine how hard it was to that for more than a minute or two! This is what it is like to hold your child at a distance when they aren’t in your favor. It can also be distressing! Bring that stool – or child – in close now. Most of us could stand there all day if we had to.
Ultimately, when things go south we must keep them near us, especially if it gets really ugly. When building blocks are used as weapons instead of for construction. When books are ripped purposefully and thrown at a favorite uncle. When cups of milk are deliberately dumped over a sibling’s head.
We must breathe and retain self-control. We must tend to the injured party, all the while keeping the Master of Destruction at our side, and wipe those tears and show compassion for the hurt. We may even need to apologize on behalf of the offender. Above all else, we must demonstrate how we want them to be in the world, later, when it is going to really matter.
So yes, my girls love their naughty chair. Especially the way it sits in our garden beneath the forsythia bush supporting a lazy cluster of Black-Eyed Susans each summer, year by year sinking that much deeper in the paint-flecked soil.
by Kirsten Andrews, Bamboo Magazine - Conscious Family Living (April 2012)
http://www.bamboofamilymag.com/spring-2012/keeping-your-children-close-why-timeouts-dont-work.html
My kids love their naughty chair. It was a big score at a garage sale some years ago when I was desperate to find a tool that would work miracles – much like it does with that oh-so-together (read: childless) British nanny on television.
As a mom to a toddler in the throes of the terrible twos and a newborn, I was willing to do whatever it took to turn that less-than-desirable behavior into something more manageable. Something more survivable. Something that didn’t leave me feeling like I was completely incapable of taking care of more than one child at a time. Because, let’s face it, it was kind of too late to return either one.
So I found the perfect naughty chair. It’s a peppy lime green. I figured the peeling paint (so long as it wasn’t lead-based) added a touch of charm to something that would ultimately be used for some quite un-charming moments.
How lucky could a mom get?
Well, it turns out incredibly lucky because in the next year I was able to take in a number of parenting talks by faculty at Cedar Valley Waldorf School in Squamish, BC where my children now attend preschool and kindergarten, and by Dr. Gordon Neufeld, an internationally renowned developmental psychologist and author (Hold On To Your Kids, with Gabor Mate) whose book has been translated into eight languages. It was then that I learnt exactly why it was this amazingly awesome naughty chair was falling short.
Truth be told, time-outs weren’t changing my life for the better; it felt like they were making it worse. My daughter would panic and become hysterical at the thought of being sent to her special spot.
To hear Neufeld explain, in his professorial way, time-outs were offered to parents by the pediatricians as an alternate form of punishment when they were told spanking was no longer acceptable. Virtually no research had been done around the impact such separation would cause. It was simply a way to distance parent and child when things got heated.
Neufeld firmly states that time-outs will not elicit desired change in behavior and that they can be damaging to the child’s psyche, sending kids “into alarm” when they are banished from our presence.
photo: sabrina helasNina Fields, a certified counselor and Neufeld parent educator based in Squamish, BC, suggests that children under five-years-old aren’t able to have “mixed feelings” as the prefrontal cortex of the brain hasn’t fully developed and ultimately they are acting from a more primal nature. They feel hurt and frustrated when a baby sibling has innocently taken their beloved toy, and act instinctively. But they aren’t deliberately trying to injure.
“That three-year-old is actually shocked and devastated when you don’t support their feelings, even if they hauled off and hit the baby over the head,” explains Fields. “What they are looking for is your compassion and understanding. They are in their own little world. Unfortunately most of us parents in North America tend to become equally frustrated and want separation, they may even be rageful at the notion that their older child has assaulted the little one in the manner that they did.”
Instead of causing a separation, which ultimately can lead to more anguish, Fields recommends bringing both children close. Tend to the injured party, mop the tears, AND keep proximity with each child.
“Above all else you really want to preserve the relationship. It is far more important to do that than to punish or give consequences in the moment, which we are often inclined to do,” she said. “We need to remain calm in the eye of the storm, not be triggered, and delay our desire for instant gratification, or in this case, correction.
“Some would argue that time-outs do work, or 1-2-3 magic, but at what cost?” she asks.
As a counselor, Fields has worked extensively with teens that come from homes with “really rough parenting.” She described the youth she engages with as defended and guarded. They come with a trunk full of repressed feelings and emotions, and can often be ticking time bombs.
“It’s crucial that we let children have their feelings – even if it’s anger, aggression and screaming. They must be supported and encouraged to do so. Sending children into a time-out may look like it works on the surface, in the instant we think that they are learning something about their behavior, but really they are feeling separation and rejection,” she explained. “If young children are repeatedly sent to a naughty chair, for example, they just shut down and store those feelings and they will take them out on people later in life.”
For kids who are frustrated – for whatever reason – parents can try to offer less damaging options. Depending on the age you might encourage them to hit or shout into a pillow or offer a stomping pad. For children six or seven years of age you can encourage them to tell you when they are feeling those sensations rise up in their body. Give them the language ‘Mom, I’m starting to feel like I might want to kick Marie. Can you help me?’
When raising young children we need to keep in mind that we can either escalate or de-escalate any given situation.
“As parents we have to come from a soft heart,” emphasizes Fields. “In the moments when we’re supposed to do that we tend to shame and banish. You want to be a gardener, not a sculptor in terms of parenting. You want to nourish those roots, so that when the tree grows it can bare fruit. And yes, it will take a lot of time.”
Fields also recommends addressing the offense later when the child isn’t in a defensive state. It may be 10 minutes, 10 hours or 10 days. Bedtime is often a good time to do this, and in the Neufeld circle they call it “touching the bruise.” ‘Remember when you hit your sister earlier today? You were really frustrated, weren’t you?’ Give them time to work through it, and don’t do it if it just raises the anger all over again. Wait for the right moment.
Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting with Lisa M. Ross, has a beautiful meditation called the compassionate response, and it’s something I often recommend when parents are faced – as we are – with uncomfortable feelings that come when witnessing things go in ways you never could have imagined. It was originally developed for use in domestic violence situations, and works to shift reactive habits of communication and offer a new way of seeing – in this case – your child in a different light. Parents can purchase an audio copy of through www.SimplicityParenting.com/store.
The compassionate response meditation works best as a practice, something to listen to or work with repeatedly until it becomes second nature. It involves bringing the “naughty” child close to you when you feel most like pushing them away.
The idea was illustrated beautifully for me when I was training to be a Simplicity Parenting group leader. Our instructor Davina Muse had us stand and hold a stool at arms length. You can imagine how hard it was to that for more than a minute or two! This is what it is like to hold your child at a distance when they aren’t in your favor. It can also be distressing! Bring that stool – or child – in close now. Most of us could stand there all day if we had to.
Ultimately, when things go south we must keep them near us, especially if it gets really ugly. When building blocks are used as weapons instead of for construction. When books are ripped purposefully and thrown at a favorite uncle. When cups of milk are deliberately dumped over a sibling’s head.
We must breathe and retain self-control. We must tend to the injured party, all the while keeping the Master of Destruction at our side, and wipe those tears and show compassion for the hurt. We may even need to apologize on behalf of the offender. Above all else, we must demonstrate how we want them to be in the world, later, when it is going to really matter.
So yes, my girls love their naughty chair. Especially the way it sits in our garden beneath the forsythia bush supporting a lazy cluster of Black-Eyed Susans each summer, year by year sinking that much deeper in the paint-flecked soil.
All work and no play ... is not good for the developing brain, says phychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld
by Joanne Laucius, The Ottawa Citizen February 3, 2012
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/work+play/6097142/story.html#ixzz1ljXbUBw6
Developmental psychologist and best-selling author Dr. Gordon Neufeld (pictured with grandchildren (l to r) Julian Neufeld, 3, Sinead Strijack, 2, and Kiara Strijack, 5. Photograph by: Ian Smith, Vancouver Sun) has thoughts about early childhood education that may come as an unwelcome surprise to parents of preschoolers and education policy-makers.
Neufeld is against four-year-old kindergarten. He’s also against five-year-old kindergarten. And possibly even six-year-old kindergarten. Unless, of course, kindergarten is all about play and not at all about results.
Neufeld is co-author of the best-selling 2004 book Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Matter, which argued that parents who relinquish the parental role too soon force children to turn to peers for their attachment needs, sometimes with disastrous results.
“It takes six years of ideal conditions where a child gives his heart to his parents,” says the Vancouver-based Neufeld, who will be in Ottawa, Renfrew and Gatineau in the next week for lectures and workshops.
Neufeld’s knows he’s slogging into a political mire. Ontario is implementing all-day four-year kindergarten. Last October Charles Pascal, Premier Dalton McGuinty’s special adviser on early learning, acknowledged that the implementation might have its challenges, but things would work out well “if people keep a focus on what’s best for kids and families.”
On the other hand, critics have pointed out that in Finland, one of the countries whose students perform best in international comparisons, students don’t start formal education until they’re seven.
In Canada, Neufeld finds it worrisome that even though children are going to school younger and being educated more intensively, children are less curious in Grade 12 than they were in kindergarten.
“Society is increasing expectations. Parents need to be the buffer,” says Neufeld, who has addressed the parliaments of European nations on early education and is scheduled to go to Brussels next fall to talk to the European Parliament.
What’s the answer? Play, says Neufeld. And extended families.
Preschoolers have fundamentally different brain wiring and need to be free of consequences and “attachment hunger,” says Neufeld. Germany, where the word “kindergarten” was coined more than 150 years ago, mandated play-based preschool education about a decade ago.
Play helps children build problem-solving networks. At four, five, even six, children are not ready to learn by working because the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain where a child is capable of mixed feelings, is still under construction. “It only gets wired at between five and seven years of age,” says Neufeld.
Developmentally, preschoolers have to be secure in the love and attention of their families, says Neufeld. Too often, children are pushed into performing. “You can get incredible things out of them if you detach them from marks and rewards.”
What is play? Neufeld defines it as “not work.” Play is expressive and it’s not “for real.” There are no consequences to messing up, and the child is playing for the joy of the activity, not because of an outcome. It’s like playing marbles, Neufeld says. You can play for fun and take your marbles home when you’re done, or you can play for keeps, where the winner takes all. Only playing for fun is really playing.
Toilet training can be work, and it can be play. If a child is told that they will sit on the toilet until they produce results, then it’s work. If there’s food dye in the toilet and the child is eager to find out what colour the water turns after a tinkle, then it’s play. Learning to play the piano can be work for a preschool child, or it could be play. If it’s coming out of a child’s passion, then it’s play.
“Even monkeys and elephants can be trained to perform. But there are movements to stop that,” says Neufeld, who points out that even the Internet search powerhouse Google asks its employees to spend 10 per cent of their activity doing work that is consequence-free — in other words, playing with ideas with no fear of the big smackdown if they don’t produce a marketable concept.
Neufeld has five children, all with different passions: One is doing advanced research in neuroscience, another in engineering, One is a vocalist and musician, another is a therapist and another teaches theatre. “I never asked them to do their homework once,” he says.
The difference between children who become curious, engaged learners and those who become performers is that the curious and engaged children had parents who acted as buffers between them and society and the educational system. North American mobility and materialism have torn apart the fabric and traditions that tie families together, says Neufeld.
He has lived in France, where nursery schools or “maternelles” accommodate children as young as three. In North America, the French maternelle system is often cited as a good example of the success of early learning. But Neufeld says there are two major differences between the maternelles and North American kindergartens: in France, maternelles are based on attachment and play. The French children are still part of the “village of attachment,” as Neufeld puts it.
There are benefits to early childhood education for some kids — those who are living in poverty or neglect, for example — but it’s not necessary to impose performance-based education on well-functioning families, says Neufeld. The long-term effects haven’t been studied. There is a well-documented head-start effect for children who enter school earlier, but that has not been studied much past Grade 4, he says.
This doesn’t mean that Neufeld advocates that mothers stay at home with their children. In fact, he notes that as families become smaller and more geographically dispersed, there is far too much pressure on the nuclear family. “In North America, we have a dangerously small nuclear family,” says Neufeld.
Nor was there a golden age when mothers — and only mothers — were responsible for creating a culture of attachment, he says. “Society wasn’t mother-centric. It was grandmother-centric.”
That doesn’t mean there’s no recourse for small nuclear families, single-parent families or dysfunctional families.
“If we don’t have a functional family, we need to develop surrogate families,” says Neufeld, who recalls a senior couple who acted as surrogate grandparents to children living on his block in urban Vancouver. Getting attached to the surrogate grandparents prevented children from getting too attached to peers.
Neufeld is now 65. His own parents created an extended circle of surrogate aunts and uncles for their children. He believes government agencies should help develop these “villages of attachment” instead of insisting that the state does a better job of raising children.
Neufeld says when he lectures on this topic, educators and child-care workers feel a sense of relief.
“The only resistance I get is from policy-makers.”
jlaucius@ottawacitizen.com © Copyright (c) The Ottawa Citizen
Read more: http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/work+play/6097142/story.html#ixzz1ljVceOWu
by Joanne Laucius, The Ottawa Citizen February 3, 2012
http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/work+play/6097142/story.html#ixzz1ljXbUBw6
Developmental psychologist and best-selling author Dr. Gordon Neufeld (pictured with grandchildren (l to r) Julian Neufeld, 3, Sinead Strijack, 2, and Kiara Strijack, 5. Photograph by: Ian Smith, Vancouver Sun) has thoughts about early childhood education that may come as an unwelcome surprise to parents of preschoolers and education policy-makers.
Neufeld is against four-year-old kindergarten. He’s also against five-year-old kindergarten. And possibly even six-year-old kindergarten. Unless, of course, kindergarten is all about play and not at all about results.
Neufeld is co-author of the best-selling 2004 book Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Matter, which argued that parents who relinquish the parental role too soon force children to turn to peers for their attachment needs, sometimes with disastrous results.
“It takes six years of ideal conditions where a child gives his heart to his parents,” says the Vancouver-based Neufeld, who will be in Ottawa, Renfrew and Gatineau in the next week for lectures and workshops.
Neufeld’s knows he’s slogging into a political mire. Ontario is implementing all-day four-year kindergarten. Last October Charles Pascal, Premier Dalton McGuinty’s special adviser on early learning, acknowledged that the implementation might have its challenges, but things would work out well “if people keep a focus on what’s best for kids and families.”
On the other hand, critics have pointed out that in Finland, one of the countries whose students perform best in international comparisons, students don’t start formal education until they’re seven.
In Canada, Neufeld finds it worrisome that even though children are going to school younger and being educated more intensively, children are less curious in Grade 12 than they were in kindergarten.
“Society is increasing expectations. Parents need to be the buffer,” says Neufeld, who has addressed the parliaments of European nations on early education and is scheduled to go to Brussels next fall to talk to the European Parliament.
What’s the answer? Play, says Neufeld. And extended families.
Preschoolers have fundamentally different brain wiring and need to be free of consequences and “attachment hunger,” says Neufeld. Germany, where the word “kindergarten” was coined more than 150 years ago, mandated play-based preschool education about a decade ago.
Play helps children build problem-solving networks. At four, five, even six, children are not ready to learn by working because the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain where a child is capable of mixed feelings, is still under construction. “It only gets wired at between five and seven years of age,” says Neufeld.
Developmentally, preschoolers have to be secure in the love and attention of their families, says Neufeld. Too often, children are pushed into performing. “You can get incredible things out of them if you detach them from marks and rewards.”
What is play? Neufeld defines it as “not work.” Play is expressive and it’s not “for real.” There are no consequences to messing up, and the child is playing for the joy of the activity, not because of an outcome. It’s like playing marbles, Neufeld says. You can play for fun and take your marbles home when you’re done, or you can play for keeps, where the winner takes all. Only playing for fun is really playing.
Toilet training can be work, and it can be play. If a child is told that they will sit on the toilet until they produce results, then it’s work. If there’s food dye in the toilet and the child is eager to find out what colour the water turns after a tinkle, then it’s play. Learning to play the piano can be work for a preschool child, or it could be play. If it’s coming out of a child’s passion, then it’s play.
“Even monkeys and elephants can be trained to perform. But there are movements to stop that,” says Neufeld, who points out that even the Internet search powerhouse Google asks its employees to spend 10 per cent of their activity doing work that is consequence-free — in other words, playing with ideas with no fear of the big smackdown if they don’t produce a marketable concept.
Neufeld has five children, all with different passions: One is doing advanced research in neuroscience, another in engineering, One is a vocalist and musician, another is a therapist and another teaches theatre. “I never asked them to do their homework once,” he says.
The difference between children who become curious, engaged learners and those who become performers is that the curious and engaged children had parents who acted as buffers between them and society and the educational system. North American mobility and materialism have torn apart the fabric and traditions that tie families together, says Neufeld.
He has lived in France, where nursery schools or “maternelles” accommodate children as young as three. In North America, the French maternelle system is often cited as a good example of the success of early learning. But Neufeld says there are two major differences between the maternelles and North American kindergartens: in France, maternelles are based on attachment and play. The French children are still part of the “village of attachment,” as Neufeld puts it.
There are benefits to early childhood education for some kids — those who are living in poverty or neglect, for example — but it’s not necessary to impose performance-based education on well-functioning families, says Neufeld. The long-term effects haven’t been studied. There is a well-documented head-start effect for children who enter school earlier, but that has not been studied much past Grade 4, he says.
This doesn’t mean that Neufeld advocates that mothers stay at home with their children. In fact, he notes that as families become smaller and more geographically dispersed, there is far too much pressure on the nuclear family. “In North America, we have a dangerously small nuclear family,” says Neufeld.
Nor was there a golden age when mothers — and only mothers — were responsible for creating a culture of attachment, he says. “Society wasn’t mother-centric. It was grandmother-centric.”
That doesn’t mean there’s no recourse for small nuclear families, single-parent families or dysfunctional families.
“If we don’t have a functional family, we need to develop surrogate families,” says Neufeld, who recalls a senior couple who acted as surrogate grandparents to children living on his block in urban Vancouver. Getting attached to the surrogate grandparents prevented children from getting too attached to peers.
Neufeld is now 65. His own parents created an extended circle of surrogate aunts and uncles for their children. He believes government agencies should help develop these “villages of attachment” instead of insisting that the state does a better job of raising children.
Neufeld says when he lectures on this topic, educators and child-care workers feel a sense of relief.
“The only resistance I get is from policy-makers.”
jlaucius@ottawacitizen.com © Copyright (c) The Ottawa Citizen
Read more: http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/work+play/6097142/story.html#ixzz1ljVceOWu
Advice from 'America's worst mom'
Journalist Lenore Skenazy caused a media sensation when she let her 9-year-old ride New York City’s subway by himself. In a new book, she explains why she has no regrets | May 8, 2009
Some time ago, I let my 9-year-old ride the New York subway alone for the first time. I didn’t do it because I was brave or reckless or seeking a book contract. I did it because I know my son the way you know your kids. I knew he was ready, so I let him go. Then I wrote a column about it for The New York Sun. Big deal, right?
Well, the night the column ran, someone from the Today show called me at home to ask, Did I really let my son take the subway by himself?
Yes.
Just abandoned him in the middle of the city and told him to find his way home?
Well, abandoned is kind of a strong word, but … yes, I did leave him at Bloomingdale’s.
In this day and age?
No, in Ladies’ Handbags.
Oh, she loved that. Would I be willing to come on the air and talk about it?
Sure, why not?
I had no idea what was about to hit me.
Continue reading here...
Photo: Creative Commons
Journalist Lenore Skenazy caused a media sensation when she let her 9-year-old ride New York City’s subway by himself. In a new book, she explains why she has no regrets | May 8, 2009
Some time ago, I let my 9-year-old ride the New York subway alone for the first time. I didn’t do it because I was brave or reckless or seeking a book contract. I did it because I know my son the way you know your kids. I knew he was ready, so I let him go. Then I wrote a column about it for The New York Sun. Big deal, right?
Well, the night the column ran, someone from the Today show called me at home to ask, Did I really let my son take the subway by himself?
Yes.
Just abandoned him in the middle of the city and told him to find his way home?
Well, abandoned is kind of a strong word, but … yes, I did leave him at Bloomingdale’s.
In this day and age?
No, in Ladies’ Handbags.
Oh, she loved that. Would I be willing to come on the air and talk about it?
Sure, why not?
I had no idea what was about to hit me.
Continue reading here...
Photo: Creative Commons
Resilience in children today
by Christof Wiechert | http://www.waldorftoday.com/2011/08/resilience-by-christof-wiechert/
Disturbing reports are circulating around the world, always in the murky twilight of so-called ‘facts.’ According to the rumors, or indeed facts, that we are dealing with, a disproportionate number of war veterans commit suicide on their return to the USA from their tour in Iraq. After the Vietnam War, accounts came in from various sides of how soldiers were able to cope again with everyday civilian life only with great effort. People in Europe are also worried about the NATO soldiers’ ability to deal with trauma when they are in peace-keeping missions abroad. The question is, How does an individual cope with traumatic or otherwise shattering events in his or her life? This question is just as valid for children as for adults.
The research that deals with this is research into resilience—research into the overcoming, the processing of, ‘insurmountable’ experiences, research into the sours (mental) power of resistance (resilire = to spring back, to rebound).
This research began after World War II, when people were faced with the fact that there were those who inwardly overcame their experiences of war or prison and were able to resume a ‘normal’ life once their soul wounds were healed. However, at the same time, they realized that there were those who never really overcame these experiences and instead kept suffering from the trauma affecting them.
The question arose on what this ability to inwardly overcome experiences depends. What makes one child strong in taking life’s knocks, what makes another child react so much more sensitively? From regions where people have been hit by great natural disasters, we hear relatively little of the problems that they have in inwardly coming to terms with them.
Research into resilience has arrived at several conclusions that have considerable significance for educators in particular. The first issue was to follow up on the question of whether the soul’s power of resistance may be explained by heredity. If the parents have inner strength, is it passed on to their offspring? After numerous studies the conclusion was reached that this is not the case. Resilience is not inherited.
However, resilience is definitely connected with the experiences of the early years of childhood. One researcher thinks it is a matter of the first four or five years, while another thinks the whole time of childhood is significant, that is, until the tenth year. Leaving aside the different viewpoints, there is agreement that the soul’s power of resistance, or resilience, is nurtured and developed, if children have had the following five experiences.
more...
by Christof Wiechert | http://www.waldorftoday.com/2011/08/resilience-by-christof-wiechert/
Disturbing reports are circulating around the world, always in the murky twilight of so-called ‘facts.’ According to the rumors, or indeed facts, that we are dealing with, a disproportionate number of war veterans commit suicide on their return to the USA from their tour in Iraq. After the Vietnam War, accounts came in from various sides of how soldiers were able to cope again with everyday civilian life only with great effort. People in Europe are also worried about the NATO soldiers’ ability to deal with trauma when they are in peace-keeping missions abroad. The question is, How does an individual cope with traumatic or otherwise shattering events in his or her life? This question is just as valid for children as for adults.
The research that deals with this is research into resilience—research into the overcoming, the processing of, ‘insurmountable’ experiences, research into the sours (mental) power of resistance (resilire = to spring back, to rebound).
This research began after World War II, when people were faced with the fact that there were those who inwardly overcame their experiences of war or prison and were able to resume a ‘normal’ life once their soul wounds were healed. However, at the same time, they realized that there were those who never really overcame these experiences and instead kept suffering from the trauma affecting them.
The question arose on what this ability to inwardly overcome experiences depends. What makes one child strong in taking life’s knocks, what makes another child react so much more sensitively? From regions where people have been hit by great natural disasters, we hear relatively little of the problems that they have in inwardly coming to terms with them.
Research into resilience has arrived at several conclusions that have considerable significance for educators in particular. The first issue was to follow up on the question of whether the soul’s power of resistance may be explained by heredity. If the parents have inner strength, is it passed on to their offspring? After numerous studies the conclusion was reached that this is not the case. Resilience is not inherited.
However, resilience is definitely connected with the experiences of the early years of childhood. One researcher thinks it is a matter of the first four or five years, while another thinks the whole time of childhood is significant, that is, until the tenth year. Leaving aside the different viewpoints, there is agreement that the soul’s power of resistance, or resilience, is nurtured and developed, if children have had the following five experiences.
more...
Old-Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills
by Alix Spiegel (NPR) | http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19212514
On October 3, 1955, the Mickey Mouse Club debuted on television. As we all now know, the show quickly became a cultural icon, one of those phenomena that helped define an era. What is less remembered but equally, if not more, important, is that another transformative cultural event happened that day: The Mattel toy company began advertising a gun called the "Thunder Burp." I know — who's ever heard of the Thunder Burp? Well, no one.
The reason the advertisement is significant is because it marked the first time that any toy company had attempted to peddle merchandise on television outside of the Christmas season. Until 1955, ad budgets at toy companies were minuscule, so the only time they could afford to hawk their wares on TV was during Christmas. But then came Mattel and the Thunder Burp, which, according to Howard Chudacoff, a cultural historian at Brown University, was a kind of historical watershed. Almost overnight, children's play became focused, as never before, on things — the toys themselves.
"It's interesting to me that when we talk about play today, the first thing that comes to mind are toys," says Chudacoff. "Whereas when I would think of play in the 19th century, I would think of activity rather than an object."
Chudacoff's recently published history of child's play argues that for most of human history what children did when they played was roam in packs large or small, more or less unsupervised, and engage in freewheeling imaginative play. They were pirates and princesses, aristocrats and action heroes. Basically, says Chudacoff, they spent most of their time doing what looked like nothing much at all.
"They improvised play, whether it was in the outdoors... or whether it was on a street corner or somebody's back yard," Chudacoff says. "They improvised their own play; they regulated their play; they made up their own rules."
But during the second half of the 20th century, Chudacoff argues, play changed radically. Instead of spending their time in autonomous shifting make-believe, children were supplied with ever more specific toys for play and predetermined scripts. Essentially, instead of playing pirate with a tree branch they played Star Wars with a toy light saber. Chudacoff calls this the commercialization and co-optation of child's play — a trend which begins to shrink the size of children's imaginative space.
But commercialization isn't the only reason imagination comes under siege. In the second half of the 20th century, Chudacoff says, parents became increasingly concerned about safety, and were driven to create play environments that were secure and could not be penetrated by threats of the outside world. Karate classes, gymnastics, summer camps — these create safe environments for children, Chudacoff says. And they also do something more: for middle-class parents increasingly worried about achievement, they offer to enrich a child's mind.
Change in Play, Change in Kids
Clearly the way that children spend their time has changed. Here's the issue: A growing number of psychologists believe that these changes in what children do has also changed kids' cognitive and emotional development.
It turns out that all that time spent playing make-believe actually helped children develop a critical cognitive skill called executive function. Executive function has a number of different elements, but a central one is the ability to self-regulate. Kids with good self-regulation are able to control their emotions and behavior, resist impulses, and exert self-control and discipline.
We know that children's capacity for self-regulation has diminished. A recent study replicated a study of self-regulation first done in the late 1940s, in which psychological researchers asked kids ages 3, 5 and 7 to do a number of exercises. One of those exercises included standing perfectly still without moving. The 3-year-olds couldn't stand still at all, the 5-year-olds could do it for about three minutes, and the 7-year-olds could stand pretty much as long as the researchers asked. In 2001, researchers repeated this experiment. But, psychologist Elena Bodrova at Mid-Continent Research for Education and Learning says, the results were very different.
"Today's 5-year-olds were acting at the level of 3-year-olds 60 years ago, and today's 7-year-olds were barely approaching the level of a 5-year-old 60 years ago," Bodrova explains. "So the results were very sad."
Sad because self-regulation is incredibly important. Poor executive function is associated with high dropout rates, drug use and crime. In fact, good executive function is a better predictor of success in school than a child's IQ. Children who are able to manage their feelings and pay attention are better able to learn. As executive function researcher Laura Berk explains, "Self-regulation predicts effective development in virtually every domain."
The Importance of Self-Regulation
According to Berk, one reason make-believe is such a powerful tool for building self-discipline is because during make-believe, children engage in what's called private speech: They talk to themselves about what they are going to do and how they are going to do it.
"In fact, if we compare preschoolers' activities and the amount of private speech that occurs across them, we find that this self-regulating language is highest during make-believe play," Berk says. "And this type of self-regulating language... has been shown in many studies to be predictive of executive functions."
And it's not just children who use private speech to control themselves. If we look at adult use of private speech, Berk says, "we're often using it to surmount obstacles, to master cognitive and social skills, and to manage our emotions."
Unfortunately, the more structured the play, the more children's private speech declines. Essentially, because children's play is so focused on lessons and leagues, and because kids' toys increasingly inhibit imaginative play, kids aren't getting a chance to practice policing themselves. When they have that opportunity, says Berk, the results are clear: Self-regulation improves.
"One index that researchers, including myself, have used... is the extent to which a child, for example, cleans up independently after a free-choice period in preschool," Berk says. "We find that children who are most effective at complex make-believe play take on that responsibility with... greater willingness, and even will assist others in doing so without teacher prompting."
Despite the evidence of the benefits of imaginative play, however, even in the context of preschool young children's play is in decline. According to Yale psychological researcher Dorothy Singer, teachers and school administrators just don't see the value.
"Because of the testing, and the emphasis now that you have to really pass these tests, teachers are starting earlier and earlier to drill the kids in their basic fundamentals. Play is viewed as unnecessary, a waste of time," Singer says. "I have so many articles that have documented the shortening of free play for children, where the teachers in these schools are using the time for cognitive skills."
It seems that in the rush to give children every advantage — to protect them, to stimulate them, to enrich them — our culture has unwittingly compromised one of the activities that helped children most. All that wasted time was not such a waste after all.
* * *
Better Ways to Play Self-regulation is a critical skill for kids. Unfortunately, most kids today spend a lot of time doing three things: watching television, playing video games and taking lessons. None of these activities promote self-regulation. We asked for alternatives from three researchers: Deborah Leong, professor of psychology at Metropolitan State College of Denver, Elena Bodrova, senior researcher with Mid-Continent Research for Education and Learning, and Laura Berk, professor of psychology at Illinois State University.
Here are their suggestions:
Simon Says: Simon Says is a game that requires children to inhibit themselves. You have to think and not do something, which helps to build self-regulation.
Complex Imaginative Play: This is play where your child plans scenarios and enacts those scenarios for a fair amount of time, a half-hour at a minimum, though longer is better. Sustained play that last for hours is best. Realistic props are good for very young children, but otherwise encourage kids to use symbolic props that they create and make through their imaginations. For example, a stick becomes a sword.
Activities That Require Planning: Games with directions, patterns for construction, recipes for cooking, for instance.
Joint Storybook Reading: "Reading storybooks with preschoolers promotes self-regulation, not just because it fosters language development, but because children's stories are filled with characters who model effective self-regulatory strategies," says researcher Laura Berk.
She cites the classic example of Watty Piper's The Little Engine That Could, in which a little blue engine pulling a train of toys and food over a mountain breaks down and must find a way to complete its journey. The engine chants, "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can," and with persistence and effort, surmounts the challenge.
Encourage Children to Talk to Themselves: "Like adults, children spontaneously speak to themselves to guide and manage their own behavior," Berk says. "In fact, children often use self-guiding comments recently picked up from their interactions with adults, signaling that they are beginning to apply those strategies to themselves.
"Permitting and encouraging children to be verbally active — to speak to themselves while engaged in challenging tasks — fosters concentration, effort, problem-solving, and task success." — Alix Spiegel
by Alix Spiegel (NPR) | http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19212514
On October 3, 1955, the Mickey Mouse Club debuted on television. As we all now know, the show quickly became a cultural icon, one of those phenomena that helped define an era. What is less remembered but equally, if not more, important, is that another transformative cultural event happened that day: The Mattel toy company began advertising a gun called the "Thunder Burp." I know — who's ever heard of the Thunder Burp? Well, no one.
The reason the advertisement is significant is because it marked the first time that any toy company had attempted to peddle merchandise on television outside of the Christmas season. Until 1955, ad budgets at toy companies were minuscule, so the only time they could afford to hawk their wares on TV was during Christmas. But then came Mattel and the Thunder Burp, which, according to Howard Chudacoff, a cultural historian at Brown University, was a kind of historical watershed. Almost overnight, children's play became focused, as never before, on things — the toys themselves.
"It's interesting to me that when we talk about play today, the first thing that comes to mind are toys," says Chudacoff. "Whereas when I would think of play in the 19th century, I would think of activity rather than an object."
Chudacoff's recently published history of child's play argues that for most of human history what children did when they played was roam in packs large or small, more or less unsupervised, and engage in freewheeling imaginative play. They were pirates and princesses, aristocrats and action heroes. Basically, says Chudacoff, they spent most of their time doing what looked like nothing much at all.
"They improvised play, whether it was in the outdoors... or whether it was on a street corner or somebody's back yard," Chudacoff says. "They improvised their own play; they regulated their play; they made up their own rules."
But during the second half of the 20th century, Chudacoff argues, play changed radically. Instead of spending their time in autonomous shifting make-believe, children were supplied with ever more specific toys for play and predetermined scripts. Essentially, instead of playing pirate with a tree branch they played Star Wars with a toy light saber. Chudacoff calls this the commercialization and co-optation of child's play — a trend which begins to shrink the size of children's imaginative space.
But commercialization isn't the only reason imagination comes under siege. In the second half of the 20th century, Chudacoff says, parents became increasingly concerned about safety, and were driven to create play environments that were secure and could not be penetrated by threats of the outside world. Karate classes, gymnastics, summer camps — these create safe environments for children, Chudacoff says. And they also do something more: for middle-class parents increasingly worried about achievement, they offer to enrich a child's mind.
Change in Play, Change in Kids
Clearly the way that children spend their time has changed. Here's the issue: A growing number of psychologists believe that these changes in what children do has also changed kids' cognitive and emotional development.
It turns out that all that time spent playing make-believe actually helped children develop a critical cognitive skill called executive function. Executive function has a number of different elements, but a central one is the ability to self-regulate. Kids with good self-regulation are able to control their emotions and behavior, resist impulses, and exert self-control and discipline.
We know that children's capacity for self-regulation has diminished. A recent study replicated a study of self-regulation first done in the late 1940s, in which psychological researchers asked kids ages 3, 5 and 7 to do a number of exercises. One of those exercises included standing perfectly still without moving. The 3-year-olds couldn't stand still at all, the 5-year-olds could do it for about three minutes, and the 7-year-olds could stand pretty much as long as the researchers asked. In 2001, researchers repeated this experiment. But, psychologist Elena Bodrova at Mid-Continent Research for Education and Learning says, the results were very different.
"Today's 5-year-olds were acting at the level of 3-year-olds 60 years ago, and today's 7-year-olds were barely approaching the level of a 5-year-old 60 years ago," Bodrova explains. "So the results were very sad."
Sad because self-regulation is incredibly important. Poor executive function is associated with high dropout rates, drug use and crime. In fact, good executive function is a better predictor of success in school than a child's IQ. Children who are able to manage their feelings and pay attention are better able to learn. As executive function researcher Laura Berk explains, "Self-regulation predicts effective development in virtually every domain."
The Importance of Self-Regulation
According to Berk, one reason make-believe is such a powerful tool for building self-discipline is because during make-believe, children engage in what's called private speech: They talk to themselves about what they are going to do and how they are going to do it.
"In fact, if we compare preschoolers' activities and the amount of private speech that occurs across them, we find that this self-regulating language is highest during make-believe play," Berk says. "And this type of self-regulating language... has been shown in many studies to be predictive of executive functions."
And it's not just children who use private speech to control themselves. If we look at adult use of private speech, Berk says, "we're often using it to surmount obstacles, to master cognitive and social skills, and to manage our emotions."
Unfortunately, the more structured the play, the more children's private speech declines. Essentially, because children's play is so focused on lessons and leagues, and because kids' toys increasingly inhibit imaginative play, kids aren't getting a chance to practice policing themselves. When they have that opportunity, says Berk, the results are clear: Self-regulation improves.
"One index that researchers, including myself, have used... is the extent to which a child, for example, cleans up independently after a free-choice period in preschool," Berk says. "We find that children who are most effective at complex make-believe play take on that responsibility with... greater willingness, and even will assist others in doing so without teacher prompting."
Despite the evidence of the benefits of imaginative play, however, even in the context of preschool young children's play is in decline. According to Yale psychological researcher Dorothy Singer, teachers and school administrators just don't see the value.
"Because of the testing, and the emphasis now that you have to really pass these tests, teachers are starting earlier and earlier to drill the kids in their basic fundamentals. Play is viewed as unnecessary, a waste of time," Singer says. "I have so many articles that have documented the shortening of free play for children, where the teachers in these schools are using the time for cognitive skills."
It seems that in the rush to give children every advantage — to protect them, to stimulate them, to enrich them — our culture has unwittingly compromised one of the activities that helped children most. All that wasted time was not such a waste after all.
* * *
Better Ways to Play Self-regulation is a critical skill for kids. Unfortunately, most kids today spend a lot of time doing three things: watching television, playing video games and taking lessons. None of these activities promote self-regulation. We asked for alternatives from three researchers: Deborah Leong, professor of psychology at Metropolitan State College of Denver, Elena Bodrova, senior researcher with Mid-Continent Research for Education and Learning, and Laura Berk, professor of psychology at Illinois State University.
Here are their suggestions:
Simon Says: Simon Says is a game that requires children to inhibit themselves. You have to think and not do something, which helps to build self-regulation.
Complex Imaginative Play: This is play where your child plans scenarios and enacts those scenarios for a fair amount of time, a half-hour at a minimum, though longer is better. Sustained play that last for hours is best. Realistic props are good for very young children, but otherwise encourage kids to use symbolic props that they create and make through their imaginations. For example, a stick becomes a sword.
Activities That Require Planning: Games with directions, patterns for construction, recipes for cooking, for instance.
Joint Storybook Reading: "Reading storybooks with preschoolers promotes self-regulation, not just because it fosters language development, but because children's stories are filled with characters who model effective self-regulatory strategies," says researcher Laura Berk.
She cites the classic example of Watty Piper's The Little Engine That Could, in which a little blue engine pulling a train of toys and food over a mountain breaks down and must find a way to complete its journey. The engine chants, "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can," and with persistence and effort, surmounts the challenge.
Encourage Children to Talk to Themselves: "Like adults, children spontaneously speak to themselves to guide and manage their own behavior," Berk says. "In fact, children often use self-guiding comments recently picked up from their interactions with adults, signaling that they are beginning to apply those strategies to themselves.
"Permitting and encouraging children to be verbally active — to speak to themselves while engaged in challenging tasks — fosters concentration, effort, problem-solving, and task success." — Alix Spiegel
Decluttering with teens
by Polly Mahoney| June 29, 2011
My young teen-aged sons form deep and often nostalgic attachments to their things. I love this about them, and recognize more than a little piece of myself in this tendency! In a small home, however, their collections of once meaningful rocks, piles of past art projects, a rusty metal collection(!), and toys they used to love, were leaving little space for their interests of today. As I’ve begun to simplify our home, I’ve wondered how to help them to be thoughtful about their environment. I didn’t want to take over and make decisions for them, as I knew it would be so much better if it came from them. Plus, any encouragement from me to reconsider the “stuff” was met with firm opposition!
Idecided to just beginby treating the environment surrounding their room–namely, our whole house! I continued to declutter our living spaces – our kitchen drawers, pillow collection, books, number of wooden spoons and anything else my eye lighted upon. I didn’t say much about it. But slowly, it began to feel like a fresh breeze was blowing through our home. It felt more restful, cleaner, calmer, and more spacious.
And then, a really surprising thing happened. My boys started to clean out their room! I hadn’t suggested it (I promise). It was just as if they were responding to their atmosphere. In the midst of their work, I suggested we paint their room. It was a project that I had wanted to do, and as the energy seemed to be moving in that direction, it seemed to be a good time.
The boys were excited to choose a colour, clear out the remaining piles (if only temporarily), and paint with me. When the paint was dry, I purposely put just the essentials back into the room – beds, desks, shelves.
How open and useful the space felt! Experiencing this new version of their room, they seemed to realize a new vision on their own. Many of the old toys, vaguely nostalgic things, and mementos suddenly lost their appeal. They became very judicious about what deserved a home in this new place, where they now have the space to embrace and experience their present!
by Polly Mahoney| June 29, 2011
My young teen-aged sons form deep and often nostalgic attachments to their things. I love this about them, and recognize more than a little piece of myself in this tendency! In a small home, however, their collections of once meaningful rocks, piles of past art projects, a rusty metal collection(!), and toys they used to love, were leaving little space for their interests of today. As I’ve begun to simplify our home, I’ve wondered how to help them to be thoughtful about their environment. I didn’t want to take over and make decisions for them, as I knew it would be so much better if it came from them. Plus, any encouragement from me to reconsider the “stuff” was met with firm opposition!
Idecided to just beginby treating the environment surrounding their room–namely, our whole house! I continued to declutter our living spaces – our kitchen drawers, pillow collection, books, number of wooden spoons and anything else my eye lighted upon. I didn’t say much about it. But slowly, it began to feel like a fresh breeze was blowing through our home. It felt more restful, cleaner, calmer, and more spacious.
And then, a really surprising thing happened. My boys started to clean out their room! I hadn’t suggested it (I promise). It was just as if they were responding to their atmosphere. In the midst of their work, I suggested we paint their room. It was a project that I had wanted to do, and as the energy seemed to be moving in that direction, it seemed to be a good time.
The boys were excited to choose a colour, clear out the remaining piles (if only temporarily), and paint with me. When the paint was dry, I purposely put just the essentials back into the room – beds, desks, shelves.
How open and useful the space felt! Experiencing this new version of their room, they seemed to realize a new vision on their own. Many of the old toys, vaguely nostalgic things, and mementos suddenly lost their appeal. They became very judicious about what deserved a home in this new place, where they now have the space to embrace and experience their present!
